The Virginia Tech International Friendship Program
Student/Scholar Participant Guide

Welcome to the Virginia Tech International Friendship Program. Your relationship with your hosts is unique from the beginning, as though you are meeting a cousin or other family member for the first time: you both know there is already a connection, and you both want to make that connection a good relationship; however, you know very little about each other and want to be respectful of each other.

Virginia Tech's Cranwell International Center
The University's International Center serves more than 2,100 international students and scholars from approximately 116 countries. Services provided include: orientation for all new students, visa-related services for undergraduates, the Friendship Program, English conversation groups, undergraduate and graduate classes, emergency assistance, student travel cards, and cultural and academic adjustment counseling. The Center maintains a website and communicates important information weekly to students via e-mail.

What is the International Friendship Program?
The Virginia Tech International Friendship Program pairs community residents (families, couples, or individuals) of all ages with undergraduate and graduate international students and scholars. Friendships formed by sharing time together about once a month enrich local residents' lives and expand students' and scholars' educational experiences. Students and scholars discover more personal aspects of American culture, and community members gain intercultural understanding. This program offers a wonderful way to make connections in the local community.

After completing an application form, students and scholars will be matched with a host.

Here are suggestions to help you develop a good relationship with your host.

How to build a positive relationship with your hosts
These suggestions are from international students who have successful relationships with their hosts:

• "Make an effort to get together or call hosts to let them know you are there."
• "Don't be afraid to call when you need something or just want to get away from campus."
• "Keep in touch with your hosts; do not wait for the host to always call. Also, tell your hosts what you need, because hosts are usually willing to help out if they know how."
• "Be open to your host family. Treat them as you treat your own family."
  
• Relax, be yourself; interact with your hosts like they are your family.
• Stay in communication with your hosts by email and phone.
• Talk about life in your own country, your family and home, your studies, your friends, your interests, etc., as you would talk with your family and friends.
• Share photographs of your family, friends, and home.
• Your hosts will appreciate your attempts to be outgoing by calling and emailing them, rather than always waiting for your hosts to be the ones to call or email.
• It is acceptable to contact your hosts to ask to get together, either to visit them at their home or to go out together. If you do, it is polite to ask when it would be convenient. Your hosts may be busy at that certain time, but will want to arrange a time.
• Make time to spend time with your hosts. Hosts understand that your education is your priority; however, they will not understand when you always tell them that you are too busy to share any activities with them.
• Hosts may have difficulty knowing how much contact you want with them. Start by contacting them each week and make adjustments as time goes on. You will get very busy with school work after a few weeks.

Communicating with your hosts

• Communicating with your hosts is essential to building and maintaining a relationship.
• Reply to all emails and phone messages within one or two days. It is rude to not reply.
• Call and email your hosts simply to say hello, share your daily activities, news from home, etc.
• Communicate with your hosts as you do with your friends.
• Hosts want to know when students are sick, homesick, or have good or bad news.
• Ask your hosts to explain anything that you do not understand, or ask them to speak more slowly.
• You should not smile and say "yes" if you do not understand. Your hosts want to communicate with you and they would prefer if you tell them that you do not understand.

Humor and Jokes
Your hosts may sometimes use humor that you do not understand. Please be patient with them if they do this, as they may not realize they are saying things that you do not understand. It is always appropriate to ask questions about anything you do not understand.

Hospitality
In your culture, you may honor someone by giving them much attention and special treatment when they visit your home. However, in the U.S., your hosts will probably treat you as "one of the family" rather than a guest. Americans honor people with whom they want to be close friends by treating them as one of the family. Your hosts may say things such as: "help yourself to..", "make yourself at home", "let me know when you're hungry." These statements are meant to make you feel comfortable and to let you know that they want you to be relaxed and comfortable. It is acceptable to ask for something to drink if you are thirsty or to ask when the meal will be prepared. It is also appropriate to tell your hosts if you need to leave at a specific time.

Eating with your hosts
These are considered to be basic table manners in most American homes, although each family will have their own variations. Do not be concerned that you do everything correctly.

• If there is a napkin, put it in you lap.
• Do not put your elbows or arms on table.
• Wait until everyone is seated and has their food before beginning to eat. It is best to wait until the person acting as the hostess or host (for example, the mother of the family) begins eating.
• Use serving spoons to remove food from the serving dish. Do not use your personal spoon or fork.
• Do not speak with your mouth full.
• Remove your hats at the table. Usually, people take off their hats when they enter a home.
• If there is more than one fork, knife, spoon at your plate and you don't know what to do, this is the perfect time to ask. Again, your hosts do not expect you to be familiar with all American customs.
• If you know you do not like a certain food, it is ok not to take any of that food on your plate. If it is already placed on your plate, you may have two or three polite tastes, or you may just ignore it.
• It is perfectly ok to either say "Yes, please" or "No, thank you" when you are offered another serving of a food. Unlike some countries, you will probably not be asked again if you say no. If you change your mind, you may say, "I'd like more of the potatoes after all" or a similar statement. It is acceptable to ask for another serving.
• During special occasion or holiday meals such as Thanksgiving dinner, many people eat a larger amount than they would at a regular meal, but you do not need to eat any more than you want.

Many families offer prayers before meals, whether they are Christian or of other faiths. Please be respectful of their prayer time. You do not need to participate, but you should either stand or sit respectfully. You may participate if you would like. Your hosts will be respectful of your beliefs and practices.

When replying to a meal invitation from your host, tell your host about any dietary restrictions you have. Your hosts will want to prepare a meal that you will enjoy.

Good Manners, also called Etiquette

**Reply to all communications from your hosts.**

Invitations

• You must reply when your hosts invite you to do something with them.
• If you cannot accept, say "I'm sorry, but I can't join you because" and give the true reason you cannot go.
• If you cannot accept the invitation, suggest another time to get together to show you want to spend time with them. For example, "I would like to get together, but I have a lot of work until Friday; could we do something after that?"
• Do not decline an invitation simply because you do not understand what your hosts are inviting you to do: ask questions about the nature of the activity.
• Confirm that you will come by saying, "Yes, I can join you on Friday at 7:00pm for dinner," or whatever the invitation is for.
• If you agree to the invitation, it is important to go. It is rude to accept an invitation and not go.
• Call your hosts IMMEDIATELY if something happens and you cannot go. You should only cancel if something very urgent prevents you from going. Having to study is not a reason, nor is just deciding that you do not want to go. Do not call and say you are sick if you are not sick.
• You may want to know how long to stay. Usually, Americans expect their host students to stay for about an hour after dinner or for an hour or two (in total) if the invitation is for dessert/snacks.

Written invitations

• "RSVP" is an abbreviation for a French term that means "please reply." If you receive a written invitation with "RSVP", you must reply to the invitation. Simply tell your hosts whether you plan to attend. If you cannot attend, you can tell them that you would love to see them another time.
• "Regrets only" means that you must reply to the invitation only if you will not go. If you do not reply, the host assumes you will come.

Be on time
Americans tend to place emphasis on punctuality. Thus, you should arrive within ten minutes of the stated time, but not before. Additionally, if your hosts set a time to pick you up, you should be ready when your hosts come to pick you up.

What to wear
For most visits to your host's home, wear your everyday clothes. For other events, holiday meals, or special occasions, ask your hosts what the attire will be. For those times, men may always wear a long or short sleeved shirt with a button front, with or without a tie; women may wear dress pants or skirt and a nice blouse. If the visit will include an outside activity or other event, ask your hosts what you should wear.

Bringing friends
Do not bring friends to your hosts' home without first asking. However, many hosts enjoy meeting their student's friends after the host and student have become acquainted.

Gifts
Americans usually only give gifts on special occasions, or perhaps when visiting a home for the first time. You may want to bring your hosts a small gift from your home country on your first or second visit. If you continue to bring a gift each time you go to your hosts' home, they may think you still feel like a guest rather than a close friend or family member. You may also bring a simple gift (flowers, small plant, bottle of wine, small gift from your country, dessert, box of candy, CD of music from your country) when visiting on a special occasion, but that is not necessary.

Thank you notes
Simple, hand-written notes mailed to the home postal address are an important way to show appreciation to your hosts and others, especially for special occasions or if your hosts have taken you to a special event or helped you in a significant way. Informal email messages are acceptable for simple visits to the home, small favors, etc.

Being in a home

If you are ever uncertain about what to do, ask your hosts. Remember, they are excited to have you visit them. They will be happy to explain anything you do not understand.

Some Americans remove their shoes when they enter their homes. Ask your hosts, or do whatever your hosts do.

Why Americans give tours of their homes

• They think you might like to know what the inside of one American home looks like.
• They want you to feel like one of the family by knowing what the home is like.
• However, always ask before going into bedrooms, especially to children's rooms.

Pets
Many American homes have cats and dogs as pets. If you do not like pets, or are allergic to them, you may make a gentle comment to your hosts. Most people have a place to put the pets when people are visiting. Most pets inside homes are friendly to people. If you are scared of them, let your hosts know. They will either help you get used to the pet or put the pet somewhere else.

Ways you may ask your hosts to help you: Most hosts like to be helpful!
These are things you may ask your hosts to help you with. You may need to consider whether your request is reasonable to ask your own host. For example, a 70 year old grandmother with a small car probably cannot help you move your furniture, but if your 50 year old host has a van or pickup truck, it would be a reasonable request. Remember that your hosts want to be your "family" here. You may ask them for information or help as though they are your family, if you do not ask too much or too often. They will tell you whether they can assist you. If they cannot assist you, it does not mean that they do not want to help you.
Examples of things you might ask your hosts to help with:

• Can you help me get a mattress?
• May I borrow your vacuum cleaner? (ask once or twice a semester, not every week!)
• May I store a few things at your home during the summer?
• Could you suggest a good dentist?
• I'm sick and cannot get to the Virginia Tech clinic; can you help me get there?

What you may not ask of your hosts

• Any financial support
• Co-sign for a loan
• Immigration or tax help
• Overnight stay at the host's home. (However, your host may invite you to stay overnight for a special occasion, or say, "please let me know if you would like to spend the weekend with us sometime for a break away from your room/apartment" and then you may accept the invitation. If you need a place to stay for one or two nights, you may contact the Community Liaison, who coordinates the International Friendship Program, who may know if your host might be able to provide an overnight stay and the coordinator can then assist you in asking your host or another community member.)

Cultural Exchange
Feel comfortable to ask your hosts questions about customs, traditions, manners, or anything else about American life that you don't understand. Your hosts may not know what is different to you about life here, so they may not know what to explain without your asking, or what questions to ask you. Your hosts won't expect you to know everything about day-day life here, and it is part of the International Friendship Program to ask and learn.

Americans like to initiate conversations and often offer a lot of information when meeting people for the first few times, but tend to be hesitant or cautious when someone else asks questions of a personal nature. Usually Americans do not ask questions such as how much money someone makes, how much a home cost, etc.

Share information about your country, family, traditions; your thoughts, opinions, etc. It is ok to ask questions about cultural, religious, and political issues. Conversations such as these allow your hosts to get to know you, and you will not offend them if your opinions differ from theirs.

Your hosts may ask you to attend a religious service with them. They are probably simply asking you to share in a normal part of their life, so you need not fear that they are trying to impose their beliefs on you. However, if you feel this is a problem, you can contact the Center.

If you ever feel in any way uncomfortable about the actions or statements a host (or other community resident, student, professor, etc.) makes towards you, please talk to someone at the Cranwell International Center.

Contact the International Center
Contact the International Center if you have any questions concerning your relationship with your hosts, or other people that you meet in the community. All questions are handled with confidentiality, and any question that is important to you is worth asking about.